Tonight I hold Charlie. Kiss his soft fuzzy head. Caress his chubby arm rolls. Pat his tiny little bottom. Kiss his beautiful heart shaped lips. Count his toes. Study his chubby fingers. Stare into his beautiful eyes- that sing. You would think a mama couldn’t be happier…but the tears trickle. One by one they pool in my eyes, I tell them there is no need for their coming. But they come anyway. They roll down my cheek and splash on Charlie. I look into his eyes and I tell him that I LOVE HIM SO much…because I do, oh I do! He knows the presence of my tears. It seems, SO deeply that his eyes twinkle back at me as if to say, ” I know mommy, it’s OK. I love you too. I know you are sad. I know you love me. We are going to make it through this…together, we will make it through.” I tell Charlie that HE doesn’t make me sad. It’s his pain, his suffering, his endurance, his cry, his tubes and wires…it’s hard. It’s just flat out hard. Then I am reminded that I do not know hard, but Charlie does. And it seems that God is using Charlie to comfort me! Charlie is the one enduring so much and yet he continues to love, trust, and forgive at every turn. I find great consolation tonight in God’s Word. Psalm 91 reminds me that God will deliver us, cover us with his feathers, give us refuge, be our shield and buckler, protect us, hold us in love, protect us, be with us in trouble, rescue us, honor us, and show us salvation. Oh Lord, thank you for providing feathers to cover Charlie and I tonight and warm wings where we find refuge and consolation. You know the tears that fall, you count them, you care, you know, you are working…
9 Days until surgery. Until then we are in a holding pattern. We spend our time keeping Charlie healthy, tending to his wound, encouraging neurological development, managing pain, measuring, weighing, changing bandages, snuggling, singing, praying, and talking about home and family. I have great nurses. They are wonderful. They really love Charlie and care for him so tenderly. One nurse that I had never met walked into our room and declared that God had REALLY big plans for this little boy. She was amazed at how strong and vigorous he was for all he had been through. I agree, whole heartedly.
Today as I was leaving home to return to the hospital, Enid (2) tilted her head and opened her eyes great big and said,”Where are you going? Hop-pi-tol?” Trying not to sound sad I said, “Yes, honey I am going back to the hospital to help Charlie get better.” She beamed a great big smile and said, “I love you mommy!” She toddled off with her baby doll “Charlie” in tote under her arm. A few of my children recently told me that this trial had helped them realize how thankful they are for me…I must tell them that it has done the same for me- ooooh I love my children and do not enjoy being separated from them- not even a little. They are my “people,” my friends, my babies, and they bring me tremendous joy.
So, tonight I rest on my “feather” refuge, no better place to be…Good night!